CLAP!
It's a very simple process whereby the hand or a hand or two parts of the body come together to make a sharp sound known as a "Clap." While most people know automatically how to do this from birth, I have a few tips, reminders and observations on clapping. Take these as you will.
1. The Golf Clap: it's easiest to start with the quietest of all claps and move upward from there. Many people will use only two fingers and slap it on their palm and back of the hand. While this move is specifically for the game of golf, I also recommend this move at parties and other public events when one party member makes a particularly witty comment that goes completely unnoticed. This clap is then a sign of respect.
2. The Traditional Clap: This is the universal language of appreciation. Please use it at all times during a performance (whether televised or not) when you either like the act and or as a sign of respect for those people who can do things you can't or won't take the time to do/learn. This is done by firmly striking the two hands together in the general area of the palms.
3. The "I'm-not-sure-that-I-should-be-clapping" Clap: This is one of the more complex clapping patterns because it is decidedly indecisive. This is to say, your next move is decided upon based on how indecisive you are about clapping at a certain point. Here are the traditional patterns...
.....a. The Light Alternating Hand clap/slide: This move involves a light clap on beat that shifts hand positions from left dominant to right dominant while sliding the hand slightly around between claps just to show how uncertain that those around you are are really clapping. You see some hands clapping but you're not quite sure it's socially acceptable but some people are doing it but yeah... so on and so forth.
.....b. The Clap and hold: This move shows a greater degree of uncertainty as you now clap sporadically on beat but every once in a while you will feign a moment of passive passion and put your hands together and hold them, maybe slide them about while you wait for a moment you feel certain that you can clap again.
.....c. The Thigh Clap: At this point you are not entirely sure that anyone is clapping at all so you put your hand down to clap on your thigh because if you have to stop because of "strange looks" you can pretend you were just resting your arm at your side or searching for something really important in your pocket. (here is a good time to use the classic "oops-I-have-to-check-my-cell-phone-because-I-don't-want-to-be-socially-awkward-moment-but-this-is going-to-be-socially-awkward-anyway-so-why-do-I-do-it" maneuver)
.....d. The I'm-totally-not-clapping-but-I-can-pretend Clap: This is a way to avoid the whole clapping bit or embarrassment bit. You look like you're doing what you're supposed to but if there is a break in the song you won't be the "fool" that claps over the important solo or the end of the song. This person is also more likely to be lip-syncing while on stage to. But warm bodies on stage make a difference too.
4. The Fast Clap: This clap is utterly useless unless you are trying for a world record, over enthusiastic or a 3-6th grader trying to prove that you are "more awesome" than little Billy because you can clap twice as fast as he can. DON'T use it as much as possible unless the above applies.
5. The "Round of Applause": Come on now, most of you know you have done it at some point! This is that clap a clown or performer somewhere convinced you or your child to do after a great trick. This involves the traditional clap that is then moved about in a circular fashion. The circle motion make is a "round" of applause. Funny right?
6. The Slow Clap: I hate you. But this is perfect for socially awkward situations. Embarrass friends and family members!! Start off slow and progressively get faster. There is one addition to this clap which is the The Slow Clap awkward non inclusion stopping clap. This is the point where you just stop. Don't...just stop really.
7. The Single Clap/High 5: Watch enough scrubs and you will find a name for every type of high 5 alive. I cannot begin to describe what each clap means. You just have to field test them yourself. The Single Clap also has a million reasons for execution. Try it yourself please, what am I to you? A know it all? Puhlease!
8. The Clap. Don't Ask.
That's all for now. Your list of claps.
Stay tuned next time for more claps you can use
